Monday, 9 February 2015

Ashley Lister - Old People Sex

Hi folks- We Babes are chuffed to have one of our dearest friends with us today. Please welcome writer, poet, and all round adorable man, Ashley Lister.

I have to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be invited to visit the Brit Babes blog again. I thought, whilst I was here, I’d share a poem I wrote just before Christmas last year.

Ideas for poems come from a lot of different places.  Often it’s hard to tie down a single poem to a single specific prompt.   However, with this poem, I know exactly where the inspiration came from.

As you may know I occasionally review books.  One publisher got in touch with me asking if I’d be interested in reviewing a title: a sex-manual aimed at people aged 50+.  Within the promotional blurb for this book, aside from the condescending crap assuring people over fifty that they were still capable of having sex without a need for medication, the author/publisher kept referring to their target audience as ‘seniors’. I think my favourite phrase was: “Sexuality in older people often still exists.”

I’ll be honest here. I sent them an email saying that the tone of the blurb was condescending.  I’m not fifty (although I shall be later this year) but I’ve always thought of 50+ as being middle-aged rather than senior.  In my opinion, I told the publisher, the blurb was likely to alienate more readers than it attracted. 

The publisher didn’t bother responding to my email.

But the idea of this condescending approach to mature lovers stayed with me. And I figured, if someone can write a manual telling old people how to have sex, perhaps I could write a condescending poem that shows them doing it. This is what I came up with and I’ll warn readers now, this probably falls under the NSFW category.
Old People Sex

 Granny pulled on her surgical stockings

She put her false teeth in the glass

She took the Tena pad out of her panties

And said, “Grandpa, could you please f**k my ass?”

“I got horny last month at the bingo

When I called house on a sixty-nine.

It’s been decades since I’ve taken one hard up the chuff

And you ought to be there this time.”

“I got horny last week at the library

Whilst reading an old People’s Friend.

I saw an advert for polyester trousers

And it made my arse want your nob-end.”

“I got horny tonight in the kitchen

As I tuned in to Woman’s Hour.

I could hear the rain dripping on my cat flap

And I thought let’s try a golden shower.”

“So I’m here and I’m hot and I’m horny,

And my teeth are in the Steradent glass.

I slipped Viagra into your Horlicks

So please do me now, up the ass.”

Well Grandpa, he did try to please her

As she lay there with her legs spread wide

He gave her a cuddle, and a bit of a kiss,

And then teased her piles to one side.

But poor Grandpa was having a problem.

Her desires had caught him off guard.

He rubbed and he tugged and he yanked and he pulled

But the old man’s old man wasn’t hard.

He imagined doing all three Beverley sisters

Trying to coax some life to his dick

He imagined doing Margaret Thatcher

But that made him feel a bit sick.

And Grandma was looking impatient

As she lay there consumed in her lust

He considered her bare flesh and liver spots

And her fanny: all grey curls and dust.

It was true he still found her exciting

She’d take out both sets of false teeth to please

And whilst it sounds sick, he’d swear by his dick

Wrist jobs improve with Parkinson’s disease.

But he stood there and looked rather sheepish

He said, “I’m sorry. I’ve just been with another.

I thought that you knew, when I put her to bed,

I always have a quick shag with your mother.”

Ashley Lister
Many thanks Ashley!! Brilliant poem- come and visit us again soon.
If you'd like to learn more about Ashley, his poetry and his erotica, you can visit him at

Kay xx


  1. I LOVE IT! Thank you so much for being our guest again, Ashley :-)

  2. Thank you - and it's always a pleasure to be in the company of the Brit Babes :-)

  3. Ok - if this is a double comment, I keep pressing publish and they disappear.
    Ashley - this is fantastic - I never found haemorrhoids quite so erotic as I do now. Oh god. I am storing the line 'And then teased her piles to one side' for all rainy days in the future.
    x xx

  4. This poem is perverted and sick. All that stuff about old people is fine, but fucking Margaret Thatcher.....Nooooooo, that's just going too far!

  5. Thanks Ash- you're a star- and as hilarious and inspiring as ever xxx

  6. Thank you - all of you. My day started off on a low point but you guys have really cheered me up. Nano - I appreciate I went a step too far with that reference. I shall apologise in person when we next see each other at a conference :-)


  7. Another awesome poem!
    And wow - fifty is not the Land Sex Forgot. At least I hope not, because I'm heading that way next year. I didn't realise I was supposed to need special advice!

  8. Ashley, you are so funny as always. The funny thing was, as i read this to myself, I started reading it in your voice.... and in the style of the robot one, whose title escapes, my obviously senior mind.... me being senior to you in age then...

  9. Very funny! Thank you for sharing! :)

  10. I used this poem as the first one at the new open mic events I'm hosting. It's changed slightly since then, I've taken out a couple of stanzas that didn't quite work and I think this version is punchier.

    Lily, Alison, Karen, and Melissa - I'm glad it made you all smile.

    Tabitha, you would have loved the groan of disappointment I received when I read out the 'piles' line at the open mic event.

    Janine, I'm still bristling at the suggestion that 50 is the land of droopy-dryness. I'm six months away from 50 and the attitude just struck me as insulting - and wrong.

    Ruby, I hope you're feeling sufficiently recovered for the next open mic event.

    And Kay, thank you again for inviting me here. It's always a pleasure.


  11. You are welcome here anytime Ash xx


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