In this article, BDSM practitioner and purveyor of authentic desire London Faerie talks about how playing with fantasies can be delicious, empowering and even transformative.
During the 14 years I've been exploring BDSM, I've explored quite a few of fantasies - both my own and other people's. At first I had to overcome some inhibitions and feelings of silliness to give myself permission to do this; but after doing it a few times I realised that playing with my fantasies can be juicy and often highly empowering.
Over the years I've identified three patterns that arise when we play with our fantasies. The first one is that we discover that the fantasy is highly erotic for us, that it's an aspect of what Jack Morin calls our "core erotic theme". An example from my own experience is the 'silent meeting' fantasy. For a long time I had the fantasy of meeting someone without any words, approaching them through eye contact and inviting body language and getting sexual before either of us has said a word to each other.
For men who play with men, this fantasy is both commonplace and easy to enact: I've cruised and been cruised plenty of times, and often gone as far as oral sex without a word being spoken. Probably it feels safer for men to do this with men because there's less imbalance in physical strength, so either side can stop it they feel that it's going too far.
Playing out this fantasy with women could be more difficult, but thanks to the marvels of social media I've been able to do so a number of times. In each case we met through Facebook, planned the fantasy and agreed boundaries through silent Facebook chat. OK, so we'd exchanged words before we met, but we'd never heard each other's voices and this was a big part of the turn-on for me. On one memorable occasion I met a woman at Torture Garden, we eyed each other up across the room and gradually got closer and closer until our first exhilarating kiss. After 5 minutes of passionate necking we said hello and it was the first time we'd heard each other's voices.
This fantasy of silent meeting is part of my core erotic theme, but it wasn't until a more recent replaying of the fantasy that I was able to discover the depth of its significance for me. Again through Facebook I met someone I had a natural rapport with, and after a couple of chats I proposed the fantasy: she'd come round to my place and we'd connect in total silence.
On the night in question I was incredibly nervous and excited. When the doorbell rang I was actually shaking, and when our eyes met for the first time I nearly fell over with the adrenaline coursing through my system. She came in and we danced around the living room together, staying in intense eye contact and exploring the distance between us. Gradually we moved closer and closer until our lips met; and when they did it felt like time stopped.
We spent a couple of hours kissing, touching, spanking and playing, and when we reached a natural lull she simply got up and left. It remains one of the most exciting and erotic nights I can remember, and through this experience I learnt what can happen when we pursue a fantasy to its depths. I believe that our core erotic themes point to something of our essence: in this case, I discovered that connecting sexually is so much better for me when I am deeply present with the other. Of course I can be present when I'm talking too, but the silence enabled me to be much more in the moment and to experience a deeper, richer connection; and this was the longing that my fantasy had been guiding me to all along.
So this is the second thing that fantasy can lead us to - a glimpse of what is essential to us at our core and maybe even a key to altered states of consciousness and the transcendence of the everyday.
The third thing that can happen is really interesting too. I've experienced it a few times with clients who've come to me with fantasies they've jealously guarded and never shared before, often for years and years. In this case the fantasy is a kind of 'cover' for deep-seated feelings that the person isn't quite ready to meet yet. Often the fantasies that provide this kind of cover involve a profound power-imbalance (teacher and student, doctor and patient etc) or non-consent. (This is not to say that these fantasies always fall into that category: often they are simply part of our core erotic theme. What is important is what happens when we explore them.)
In one notable example, I worked with someone's fantasy of being taken against her will. We played it out to the letter, with me following her down the street, bundling her through the door of her flat and ‘beating and raping’ her for 2 hours. When I was done I walked out of the flat and around the block, before returning out of role to see how she was doing.
It turned out she wasn't doing that well. By enacting the fantasy she discovered that the thing that lay beneath it was a deep-rooted shame about enjoying sex: rather than feeling marvellously excited and turned-on, she just felt disgusting and dirty. Luckily I was there to hold her through these strong and painful feelings, and as a result of working with the fantasy she was able to meet the feelings of shame that had blighted her sexuality for most of her adult life.
And this is the thing about fantasies: they live in the dark recesses of the mind and beg
to be brought to light so we can discover what they have to offer us. Sometimes they are a part of who we are, an aspect of our sexual essence; and sometimes they cover negative feelings that are begging to be healed. Whatever they hold for us, the most effective way to learn more is to play with the fantasies with a sensitive and supportive lover or practitioner. As Tantra teachers often say, "if you can't play with it, it's got you."
The Purple Door
Saturday 26th April 11am to 7 pm
Saturday 26th April 11am to 7 pm
Sunday 27th April 11 am to 7 pm
London Faerie is a purveyor of authentic desire working in London,
Berlin and Prague. His practice is an intoxicating blend of BDSM, Tantra, shamanic healing and psychodrama that gives you permission to be who you truly are in every area of your life. Find out more at http://londonfaerie.co.uk/